Enduring Shoe Tying Torture
Frustrations lead to feelings of being An Awful Parent.
I am not a patient person. And I am very stubborn.
That is not a great combination when you are trying to teach a child with autism how to tie their shoes.
Tying shoes a particular challenge for kids with autism
Shoelaces. Is there a worse form of torture for parents?
I know that teaching any child how to tie their shoes can be a challenge, but it is particularly hard when you have a child with autism.
Many autistic children have difficulty with fine motor skills. Many also have trouble following multi-step directions. My son has come a long way in both regards – for instance, Kai is now able to work with small Lego pieces and enjoys building somewhat complicated sets that take 40 steps or more.
But when it comes to tying his shoelaces, Kai is all thumbs.
We had a feeling that this would be the case and kicked the can down the road for as long as we could. Kai has been wearing slip-on sandals for a long time, and shoes with Velcro straps when sandals won’t do.
As he has gotten bigger, the availability of shoes with the Velcro straps has dwindled. Almost all shoes for his size now come with shoelaces. And as gym shoes are required for PE at school, we are forced to deal with what we put off until now.
It would be easy enough to tie his shoes for him, but I want Kai to be as self-reliant as possible. So I am determined that he learn to tie them himself.
The first few times I worked on this with Kai, he got frustrated when he couldn’t figure out how to get the lace around to make the second loop. I got frustrated when he wouldn’t watch to see how I did it.
“Kai, watch how I do it. Kai, you have to look to see how I do it. KAI, LOOK AT ME!!!”
After a few episodes like that, I decided to try something different. I started out by having him do some deep breathing exercises. The reason, I explained, was so that he would stay calm; you can’t learn anything when you are flustered. But really, the exercise was as much to help me to stay calm; you can’t teach anything when you are frustrated.
Alas, the relaxation technique did not work on Kai. Or me.
When we got to the step where you make the second loop, he again had trouble and then took off his shoe and threw it down in frustration. I encouraged him to try again. But he kept saying that he couldn’t do it. When he didn’t even try, I really lost my patience.
I threatened to take away all of his new birthday presents. That only increased his agitation and caused him to become totally unfocused on the task at hand. So of course he wasn’t able to tie his laces, or even give a decent effort.
And my frustrations boiled over.
No birthday presents, I told him. Then I went to where his recently-opened presents were still stacked, and carried them all away.
Almost instantly, I felt worse than dirt.
It was one of those I Am An Awful Parent moments.
Upon reflection
I previously expressed my displeasure when people assume that a child with autism is misbehaving, and when they don’t understand the often-invisible disability that is autism.
But, I am guilty of this myself.
I surely know that my son has attention deficits, and that causes him to not listen to me as well as I wish he would. Yet, too often I expect him respond to me the way a typical kid would. It is no wonder when my tactics don’t work.
Raising my voice doesn’t help. Threatening to take away birthday presents doesn’t work either.
Patience is the utmost importance. Staying calm helps, too.
And being positive and encouraging wouldn’t hurt.
Those are all things I am not really good at. But I need to be. Like I said, I am stubborn. So, I will not give up. Hopefully I will learn to be more patient.
Because my son needs me to be much better than an Awful Parent.
Sara McLoudrey
7:23 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hi, Not sure if you have ever heard of TAGteach (www.tagteach.com) or not but is a highly successful teaching program. Many people use it to help breakdown tasks such as shoe tying. It can reduce your and yours son's frustration. Here is a video example of a child with Autism learning to tie his shoes using TAGteach http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6K2FsjICr34&feature=player_embedded#! I am certified as a level 2 TAGteacher and a fellow Highland Park resident. I'll be glad to answer any questions for you.
Sara McLoudrey
Yuji Fukunaga
8:38 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hi Sara,
I had not heard of TAGteach but you piqued my interest with the video. I want to research it to find out more about it. It seems to have elements of ABA in terms of breaking down tasks, repetition, etc. - with the added element of the sound. In the video, I like how they worked with the laces in the book before moving on to a real shoe. Thanks for the info!
Debbie Solomon
7:41 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hi. I am an occupational therapist and I find that breaking it down really helps. We master one step at a time and then move on to the next. Happy to help if you need it!
Debbie
Yuji Fukunaga
8:42 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Debbie, I think you are right that breaking it down would help. I was trying to do too much at once. This morning, I had Kai do just the first few steps that we knew he could do, and then Mom heaped enthusiastic praise on him. That brought him back to wanting to learn the task whereas before he was shutting down. Over time, I'll add on another step (slowly) when I think he can handle it. Thanks for the very helpful tip!
Krista
9:28 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I have an 8 year old son that does not have autism, he does have ADHD though, and he still struggles with tying his shoes. I do buy him shoes that slip on, or have elastic laces with a cord to tighten at the top or z-strap type shoes. And I do buy him one pair with laces. We practice when he wears those shoes. I figure he will learn and perfect it when he is ready. :) Tying shoes is an extremely frustrating task for him. And trying to get out the door in a hurry compounds it. He was never taught in school, my daughter was, and she has done it since kindergarten. I do remember that when I was little they taught us at school with a cardboard type cutout as a shoe and it had laces for us to practice tying and lacing. I also want my son to be independent and be able to tie his shoes well, but the world does not revolve around shoe tying so I will just let the kiddo work at his own pace. :) Good luck! :) :) :)
Yuji Fukunaga
9:46 am on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Krista, you've got a great attitude/philosophy about this! I know I may be pushing my son before he is really ready, but I am not very patient. :) I have learned that trying to teach him while we are rushing to get out the door results in frustration for all of us. So, we are trying to allow more time when possible, and may also practice with him on the cardboard cutouts at other times. Thanks very much and best to you and your son, too!
Jim Tatsuda
12:10 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I'm not an expert at this, but there is an alternate way of tying shoes which is a bit easier to learn for kids. I remember my mom teaching me this when I was little. Essentially, after making the initial knot - instead of making a bow with one side of the shoestring and doing the loopy thing with the other side - you make a bow with each side. Then you make a knot using the two bows, and you're done.
Yuji Fukunaga
12:50 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Interesting alternative, Jim. Do you still tie your shoes this way or did you eventually transition to the more traditional method at some point? And if you transitioned, was it difficult or did it come naturally?
RonnieTheLimoDriver
3:05 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Jim, I believe you mean the "Bunny Ears" Method. Its easier for kids to learn. Im an adult and I still use the Bunny Ears method and some people do find it strange but it works for me. The only one who ever comments is my mother. I do know how to use the traditional method but im faster with bunny ears.
Jim Tatsuda
1:19 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Well, Yuji, I'm 65 so this was a loooong time ago. That said...
I think I was around 3+ when my mom taught me the double loop method - no velcro back then. By the time I was 5 or so, I could do either - and I'd switch back and forth. I also remember teaching other kids (who had trouble with the standard method) the double loop method. For young kids, I think the double loop method is quite a bit easier to learn.
Yuji Fukunaga
2:16 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thanks for info, Jim. Hah, the days before velcro... how did we get along without it?
Ravana
2:55 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I also did the double loop method when I was little and transitioned to the regular method around 4th grade. I still have to double knot my laces though since they will not stay tied. But I vote for "pick your battles" and say buy him some sets of elastic laces. Here is one site: http://www.locklaces.com/
Yuji Fukunaga
3:22 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Ravana, I like these - they are functional and sporty, too!
Ed60062
11:11 am on Friday, February 24, 2012
Ravana, I had a problem with my shoes not staying tied for the past 65 years. Just last week I saw a video showing the "right" way to tie shoes--it works! Check this video and the comments that follow it:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/terry_moore_how_to_tie_your_shoes.html
Ravana
8:28 pm on Saturday, February 25, 2012
OMG Ed! I love Ted Talks, but I've never seen that one. I will have to try this tomorrow!
James Striding
11:12 pm on Tuesday, February 21, 2012
We're still at the velcro strap stage but I'm already thinking about shoe laces too! And we all have our awful parents moments... we're human too. The difference is that you are aware of it, and you take a step back and reflect, and that's the critical step to looking at different approaches.
One of the approaches I've been thinking of, is to have our son first try to tie shoe laces on shoes without him wearing it -- or even use one of those early development toys where they have yarn that is strung around a piece of wood or cardboard -- to start teaching steps of the fine motor skills needed. When you have something at table level where you can work on, it may appear more manageable. I thought I'd start here (with help from the OT of course) -- then I'd probably generalize the skill to have our child tie his own shoes without him wearing it (but orient it in the perspective he will need when he is wearing it) -- then generalize to tying his own shoes while he is wearing it.
Yuji Fukunaga
8:19 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
James, I think it is a good idea to start trying to tie laces without wearing the shoes. We are learning that it is best to work on this when you are not pressed for time, and so practicing on a toy or when you are not even planning to go anywhere would be good. Sounds like you've given this good thought. Best to you when you put this into practice.
Libzsonshine
8:58 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I'm a pediatric OT too. First I always start off with pipecleaners (one red one green) and a cardboard form board. The red is in the right hand side as you tie the shoe. Just having 2 colors makes WORLDS of differences!! Once the know the steps I transition to laces but still use two colors. The hardest part I've found to teach is slipping the 2nd loop through the thumb hole. My latest trick for that is taking a small bead and knotting it in as a marker thus when you wrap the string around the loop you then push the bead through the thumb hole and voila!!! Tied shoes!!!!
Yuji Fukunaga
9:35 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you for the tips, Libzsonshine! I never thought of pipecleaners. And, it makes sense that using two colors would help.
forest barbieri
10:31 am on Friday, February 24, 2012
Yuji:
Interesting article in the NY Times today. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/us/autistic-and-seeking-a-place-in-an-adult-world.html?ref=us
Yuji Fukunaga
12:10 pm on Friday, February 24, 2012
Forest, that really was a very interesting article. Even though my son is only 8 years old, we are thinking/worrying about whether he will be able to find a job and be independent as an adult. It is nice to hear about transition programs such as this one, and it is heartening to read about teachers like this. Still, the challenges are huge. I only hope that more opportunities open up by the time my son is an adult.